My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
