I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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