I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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