On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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