Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
