I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
