Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
