I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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