don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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