i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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