i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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