I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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