Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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