I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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