Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
