I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
