Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
