I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
