fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
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You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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