somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
