So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
