If that was your dad, he is hot
I could make wine with my vomit
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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