High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
