Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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