just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize