So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
