Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
