Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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