Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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