OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
