got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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