Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
