I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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