i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
