whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
