So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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