Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
