You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
