So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
