He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
