I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Boobs are out for the taking
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
