I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
