watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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