she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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