Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
