I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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