I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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