We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
