i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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