my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
