My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
