Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
