So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
