and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
