Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
