I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
