So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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