I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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